Do You Love Him, or Just His Validation?
- Filip
- Oct 21
- 3 min read
When “he makes me feel seen” actually means “he fills a hole I refuse to name.”
The Compliment Hangover:
He texts you “you looked amazing last night,” and suddenly your nervous system exhales like it’s just taken a Xanax.
He doesn’t reply for eight hours, and your chest tightens like an unpaid bill.
You say you love him — but maybe what you really love is the way he makes you feel about yourself.
That little dopamine hit from being chosen, noticed, adored — it’s seductive. It feels like intimacy, but often it’s validation in disguise.
Validation Feels Like Love Because It Feeds the Same Wound
Psychologists call it intermittent reinforcement: when someone gives you affection inconsistently, your brain gets hooked on the chase.
The love feels deeper because it’s uncertain. You start mistaking anxiety for attraction, chemistry for emotional connection.
Validation is the currency of modern dating.
Every “good morning” text, every heart-eyed emoji, every time he looks up mid-conversation — your brain goes: See? I exist.
Signs You’re in a Validation Loop
You feel high when he compliments you — and low when he doesn’t.
Love becomes a performance. You’re constantly auditioning for reassurance.
You confuse intensity with intimacy.
The drama feels romantic because calm feels foreign.
You change your behaviour to keep his attention.
You start dressing, talking, even posting differently — not because it feels authentic, but because it works.
Silence feels like punishment.
You interpret pauses in communication as proof you’ve done something wrong.
You chase people who make you doubt yourself.
Because the moment they finally validate you again feels like redemption.
Where This Comes From (Spoiler: It’s Not Just Daddy Issues)
At its core, validation addiction is a self-worth problem wrapped in romantic packaging.Maybe you grew up earning affection — good grades, good behaviour, good looks — and learned that love was a reward, not a right.
So when someone sees you, it hits like oxygen.
You’re not just falling for them; you’re falling for the feeling of being “enough.”
But here’s the catch: validation is rented, not owned.
It disappears the second the other person pulls away.
How to Tell If It’s Love or Validation
Love feels grounded. You can disagree and still feel secure.
Validation feels urgent. You need proof you’re wanted — constantly.
Love grows in time and truth.
Validation thrives in uncertainty and fantasy.
Love is reciprocal.
Validation is extractive — you need him to keep you stable.
Ask yourself: Would I still want him if he stopped making me feel desirable?If the answer makes your stomach drop, it’s not love — it’s dependency.
Breaking the Validation Addiction
Detox from the feedback loop.
Try not initiating contact for a few days. See what surfaces — boredom, panic, relief? That’s the emotional root you’ve been outsourcing.
Redefine what being “seen” means.
Start validating yourself through consistency, not chaos — hobbies, therapy, friendships, self-discipline.The more grounded you are, the less someone else’s opinion can rewrite your worth.
Relearn desire as curiosity, not crisis.
Wanting someone doesn’t have to mean needing them to fix you.
Fall in love with your own reflection — the unfiltered one.
The less you flinch at your own rawness, the less likely you’ll hand that mirror to someone else.
Why This Hurts So Much (and Why That’s Okay)
When you start unhooking from validation, it can feel like withdrawal.Because in a way, it is.
You’re losing the constant adrenaline drip of uncertainty. You’re relearning quiet.
But what comes after is better than love — it’s freedom.
Freedom from checking if he’s looked at your story.
Freedom from making your worth conditional on someone else’s desire.
Real intimacy starts when you stop needing someone to confirm you exist.
“Validation is a drug. Love is a practice. One keeps you chasing; the other keeps you home.”
