It’s Not That Women Don’t Want Sex—It’s That We Don’t Feel Safe
- Filip
- Jul 9
- 3 min read
Her libido didn’t vanish. It shut down to protect her.
Women want sex. Deeply, frequently, and sometimes ferociously. The idea that female libido is somehow “naturally lower” than men’s is not just outdated — it’s dangerously wrong.
What looks like low desire is often a trauma response.
What’s labelled as “complicated” is actually incredibly simple.
We can’t be turned on if we don’t feel safe.
Aggression Kills Arousal — Even When It’s Subtle
Here’s the unsexy truth not enough people talk about: for a lot of women, sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It lives in the same body that just flinched when a man slammed the door. It shares space with the anxiety spike after his angry outburst, or the deep breath she takes before walking alone at night.
Sex lives in the same body that just flinched when a man slammed the door
It’s no coincidence that female arousal is so closely tied to safety, trust, and emotional connection.
This isn’t weakness. It’s biology.
The female nervous system is attuned to threat in ways culture rarely acknowledges. And the problem isn’t in our hormones — it’s in the environment we’re trying to be horny in.
Fight or Flight Is Not Foreplay
When your body is in fight, flight, or freeze, your libido shuts down. Period. Blood flow to the genitals decreases. Your muscles tense. You dissociate. Your body prioritises survival, not pleasure.
So what does that look like in real life?
A partner who raises his voice, even once.
Passive-aggressive jabs disguised as jokes.
Dismissive comments about your needs or boundaries.
The news cycle filled with headlines about male violence.
All of it chips away at safety. And safety, for women, is the foundation of desire — not an optional extra.
Everyday Foreplay: The Unsexy Secret to Better Sex
If you want to have sex with a woman — good, enthusiastic, sweaty, connected sex — you need to understand that foreplay starts long before the bedroom.
It looks like:
Not slamming the door when you’re mad.
Actually listening when she talks.
Respecting when she says no, and not sulking about it.
Taking on emotional labour without being asked.
Apologising when you mess up. Like, sincerely.
None of this is radical. But it is rare.
Why the “Low Libido Woman” Trope Is Bullsh*t
The cultural narrative of the woman who “just isn’t into sex anymore” post-marriage or post-babies is everywhere — but it’s not that her desire disappeared. It’s that she’s exhausted.
Emotionally. Mentally. Nervously.
She’s not cold — she’s on alert. And in a world where women are constantly told they’re “too sensitive” for reacting to male aggression, it’s easy to internalise that maybe it’s your problem. But it’s not. It’s a cultural one.
So What Does Make a Woman Horny?
Feeling safe in your presence
Being emotionally seen
Non-sexual touch that doesn’t feel like a prelude to sex
A sense of shared responsibility
Respect without performance
Sound simple? Maybe. But it requires reprogramming how we think about desire — and who gets blamed when it disappears. As well as how we view, heal, speak and deal with it.
The Bottom Line
Women don’t lack sex drive.
We lack the conditions to trust it.
If you’re in a relationship with a woman and the intimacy has dipped, start with this: how safe does she feel in her own body around you?
Not just when the lights are off.
Not just when you want something.
But all the time.
And if you get that right? She’ll meet you halfway — and then some.
Written by: Amanda Sandström Beijer
