"They Just Lay There": The Epidemic of Passive Sex and How To Handle It
- Filip
- Oct 8
- 3 min read
We’ve all heard the term: the dreaded “starfish sex.” One partner lies flat on the bed, barely moving, while the other does all the work. It’s not just bad porn energy — it’s a very real epidemic. Whether it’s down to boredom, insecurity, laziness, or straight-up lack of communication, passive sex can turn what should be a sweaty, playful exchange into a one-sided chore.
But before you break up with your starfish, here’s the good news: passive sex isn’t permanent. You can wake a partner up, flip the script, and maybe even discover what’s been missing all along.
What Is Starfish Sex, Exactly?
“Starfishing” is when someone lies there during sex, not engaging physically or emotionally. Think spread out on the bed, arms and legs wide, minimal enthusiasm. A passive partner in bed isn’t necessarily bad because of kink (some people genuinely enjoy being used or “done to”), but when it happens unintentionally? That’s when it kills the vibe.
Why Do People Go Passive in Bed?
The psychology of passive sex is layered. Common reasons include:
Insecurity. They’re nervous about “doing it wrong.” So they freeze.
Performance anxiety. Porn has warped expectations, and they think they can’t compete.
Low libido or stress. Sometimes life just crushes your sex drive.
Resentment. If the relationship has tension, sex becomes an obligation, not a playground.
Never learned otherwise. Yep, some people literally think sex = penetration while lying down.
How to Handle a Passive Partner Without Being a Jerk
1. Talk (Yes, Outside the Bedroom)
If you open with, “You’re boring in bed,” congrats — you’ve just made it worse. Instead, frame it as curiosity:
“I love when you…”
“I’d be so into it if you tried…”
“What do you fantasize about?”
Good sex = good communication. Without it, starfish sex thrives.
2. Shift the Script
Some people go passive because they don’t know what else to do. Guide them:
Ask them to be on top, even if only for a few minutes.
Try mutual touch — mutual masturbation, oral, toys.
Build in roles: let them play dominant, submissive, or tease.
3. Reframe Effort as Pleasure
Sometimes, a passive partner thinks being active = work. Flip it: remind them that participation is a turn-on. Praise, moan, tell them what’s hot. People rise to the occasion when they feel sexy, not judged.
4. Make It Playful, Not Pressure
Games, toys, roleplay — these things add structure for people who freeze without direction. Saying “seduce me like we’re strangers” is more fun than “stop lying there.”
How to Be Better in Bed (For the Starfish Themselves)
If you suspect you’re the starfish… good news, there’s a fix.
Engage your body. Move, touch, kiss, grind — don’t let your partner do 100% of the work.
Make noise. Verbal feedback is sexy and helps guide rhythm.
Initiate. From undressing to kissing first, small moves show you’re in the game.
Be curious. Ask what they want. Ask yourself what you want. Desire is contagious.
When Starfish Sex Is Actually a Kink
Not all stillness is bad. Some people love being “used” — objectified, worshiped, or controlled. In that case, passivity is power play. The key difference? Enthusiasm. A kinky starfish is still turned on and engaged mentally — they just chose to be used as a toy for their partner. And that can be hot af.
From Starfish to Supernova
Passive sex doesn’t have to be the death of intimacy. With communication, curiosity, and a little creativity, even the flattest partner can be coaxed into a more engaged, electric role. And if it turns out they’re into genuine “lie there and take it” dynamics? That’s not a problem — that’s a kink.
The point is: sex should feel alive. Not like folding laundry.