Compersion for the Monogamous: How to Borrow the Poly Word Without Opening Your Relationship
- Filip
- Aug 18
- 3 min read
If you’ve been lurking in polyamory forums or accidentally stumbled into the “ethical non-monogamy” corner of Instagram, you’ve probably heard the word compersion. It’s described as the warm, fizzy joy you feel when your partner is happy with someone else—a sort of jealousy-free bliss state.
And if you’re monogamous, you might think: That’s cute for them, but no thanks.
Here’s the thing—compersion isn’t reserved for people with five lovers, a shared Google calendar, and a colour-coded lube shelf. You can absolutely borrow the concept, keep your relationship closed, and still reap the benefits.
Wait, What Is Compersion Exactly?
Compersion is basically emotional empathy’s sexy cousin. Instead of being threatened by your partner’s joy (especially joy that comes from someone else), you’re turned on, proud, or genuinely happy for them.
In polyamory, this often refers to seeing your partner be romantic or sexual with others. But for monogamous couples, the same mental framework can apply—just swap out “sleeping with someone else” for “experiencing pleasure outside of me.”
How Compersion Shows Up in Monogamous Relationships
You might already be doing it without realising:
They get a big promotion – and you feel pure joy instead of resentment about the late nights.
They light up around a friend – and you enjoy their happiness instead of quietly tallying up time spent apart.
They have an intense creative breakthrough – and you’re thrilled for them, even if it means they’re locked in the studio all weekend.
It’s about choosing connection over competition.
The Sexy Side of Monogamous Compersion
Yes, it can be erotic too. You can tap into compersion by:
Enjoying how attractive they look when they feel confident.
Letting yourself get turned on by the idea of others finding them hot—even if nothing actually happens.
Encouraging their solo adventures (nights out, new hobbies) because you like who they are when they come back to you lit up.
It’s not about wanting them to cheat. It’s about letting them exist as a whole, interesting, attractive human outside the bubble of your relationship.
Why Bother?
Monogamous relationships can get suffocating when every scrap of emotional and sexual satisfaction is expected to come from one person. Compersion offers a subtle antidote: a way to breathe in the reality that your partner’s happiness doesn’t always start and end with you—and that’s okay.
This doesn’t mean you want to watch them flirt, sleep around, or start another relationship. It means you choose not to see their outside joys as a threat. You let those moments fuel you instead.
How to Practice Compersion Without Opening Your Relationship
Reframe the Narrative – Instead of “They’re happy without me,” try “They’re happy and they’re with me.”
Find Mutual Joy in Their Joy – Ask them to tell you about their adventures, and focus on what lights them up.
Use It to Turn Yourself On – If it feels good, let yourself sexualise the energy they bring home from feeling desired elsewhere (even if it’s just by strangers on the train).
Final Thought
Compersion doesn’t require group sex, shared lovers, or a polycule spreadsheet. For the monogamous, it’s simply the art of letting your partner’s joy be your joy, even when it’s not about you. It’s a mental muscle—one that can make your relationship more resilient, more playful, and, if you want it to be, a whole lot hotter.
