The Fantasy of Being ‘Ruined’: Why Some People Want to Be Used (In a Good Way)
- Filip
- Aug 23
- 3 min read
In BDSM circles, there’s a particular kind of submissive fantasy that sounds intense, maybe even alarming, to anyone outside the kink world: being ruined. It’s also called the “used” fetish, but neither term really does justice to the complex cocktail of power, surrender, and deep trust that it involves.
If you’re picturing someone getting chewed up and spat out, that’s not quite it. This isn’t about actual harm—it’s about the erotic theatre of being completely undone in someone else’s hands.
What “Ruin” Actually Means in Kink
In kink context, “ruin” is less about destruction and more about a kind of staged, consensual devastation. It can mean:
Being pushed to the brink of your limits (and then a little beyond)
Feeling “wrecked” physically, emotionally, or sexually—in a way that’s deeply satisfying
Letting someone else take over until you feel like there’s nothing left to give
Think: sweaty, mascara-smeared, mind-blown, can’t-form-sentences level of surrender. The good kind of ruined.
Why the Fantasy Works
The ruin kink speaks to something primal: the erotic relief of not having to hold yourself together.
In daily life, most people—especially women, femmes, or those in high-control jobs—are expected to manage everything, keep it tidy, stay in control. The ruin fantasy flips that. You get to be messy. Needful. Used in a way that makes you feel wanted, not disposable.
For some, it’s about release from perfection. For others, it’s about trust—knowing you can hand over your body, boundaries, and even dignity, and the other person will handle you with care (even if they’re role-playing the opposite).
The Psychology Behind It
Many submissive fantasies, including the ruin kink, are about intensity—turning desire into something overwhelming.
The “used” angle adds layers:
Validation through possession: The fantasy that someone wants you so much, they take every last drop you have to offer.
Catharsis: Emotional unloading via sexual surrender.
Identity play: Experimenting with being “bad,” “dirty,” or “wrecked” without social consequences.
It's the: “I want to feel like I’ve been taken apart and put back together wrong—by someone I trust completely.”
How It Plays Out in Reality
A ruin scene might involve:
Extended, intense sex that leaves the submissive exhausted
Restraints, overstimulation, or orgasm control
Roleplay where the dominant “uses” the submissive purely for their own pleasure
Emotional elements, like degradation (light or heavy) mixed with praise
The throughline is always consent and aftercare. Even the most feral-looking ruin scene has a foundation of pre-scene negotiation and post-scene support.
Aftercare Is Non-Negotiable
If a ruin scene leaves someone feeling empty instead of fulfilled, it’s not the good kind of ruin—it’s just bad kink.
Aftercare for this type of play often involves:
Physical comfort (blankets, cuddling, hydration)
Verbal reassurance (“You were amazing. You’re safe. You’re mine.”)
Emotional check-ins in the hours or days after
The point is to rebuild after the “destruction”—that’s what makes it satisfying instead of scarring.
Why It’s Not the Same as Actual Abuse
This can’t be overstated: ruin fantasies only work when they’re fully consensual, negotiated, and rooted in trust. Without that, it’s not a kink—it’s a violation. The difference is the same as between stage combat and an actual fight: both can look brutal, but only one has a script, rehearsals, and a safe word.
The ruin kink is about choosing to be undone. It’s messy, it’s intimate, and it’s as much about psychology as it is about sex.
When done right, it leaves you feeling strangely whole—like you’ve been taken apart and rebuilt into something softer, freer, and more yourself than before.
